Monday, June 29, 2009 ♥
Alright. Right now, my mind is so cluttered--I have so much things to say, yet so little words to express my mind.
I don't know where to start, really. Maybe I'll start off with the one that nags on my mind the most.
I honestly had never been a confident person. Rather, I'm more to that of a short-tempered introvert who never really has any confidence. And sadly, what little confidence I have is easily crushed. It's always like that.
The moment I step into my room, turn up my laptop and the internet, and open deviantART in one of my numerous tabs, that measly little confidence is crushed to crumbled. It really crumbles my heart and confidence every time I see dA's frontpage, decorated with beautiful pieces which simply makes me think that my artworks are pure rubbish.
And the said puny confidence practically disappear every single time I see people who are only older than me by a year or two, or even worse, those who are of the same age like me yet draws much better than I do. And at that point, some questions would break into my mind, flowing one after another and making the worry inside me growing bigger and bigger--as if eating what little confidence that remains until it was reduced to nothingness and causing my inside to die a bit more.
Can I be as good as them? Will I be able to be as good as them? Can I really draw? Do I really have the talent? Or am I just a talentless snob? How much more time should I take to be as awesome? Will even ever be able to? If yes, then at what age will I be? I'd be defeated by then and it'll be too late? Is my decision to take art for my life really the best? Or is it just another one of my faulty decisions? But I have to cop with these feelings, don't I? But really, I feel like I'm... useless piece of trash? Look at all my friends, they're all good and featured here and there, and yet I'm here alone unnoticed? Honestly, can I even do this? Can I even draw nicely? Do I have the skills to?
Slowly, this worry is eating away my bravery little by little... crumbling down the measly wall of confidence I somehow managed to built. I honestly do believe I'll do well, compared to the Singaporeans I saw in LaSalle pamphlet (no offense to anyone, really). But not all of the students in LaSalle will have the skills like that Singaporean girl in the pamphlet, and I do believe that there are other Singaporeans who are better than the girl in the pamphlet. And I also do believe there'll be bunches and bunches of better Indonesians, Malaysians and people of other races there in LaSalle...
Will I be defeated again, before I can fight? Or will I fight? And if I fight, will I win? Or will I just be a loser who disappoints her mother again?
I honestly don't want to disappoint my family again, not when I see how my mom is supportive of this, how my dad doesn't object as much anymore, how I received that very precious, supportive SMS that my sister sent, not when I promised my mom to be "popular as a fashion designer, be successful, earn a lot of money, and take her travel around Europe". No.
So I guess what I can do now is to cope with this feeling, get my lazy ass off this bed and draw like crazy, eh?
live the glam @ 2:27 PM